I finally did what I should have done right from the start: turn to the Word of God.
The Internet was the first place where I started learning about Jesus. Sitting in the study room, I was reading a Web page when Paulina walked in, looked at my screen and asked what I was doing. "I'm reading up on Jesus," I replied. "Well don't!" she said: "Not on this site." Surprised, I asked what she thought was wrong with it. She told me there were different Christian denominations, all of which centred around Jesus but believed in different things. The page I was reading was from a Mormon Web site. The Catholic Church, she said, was the oldest and the one she felt most comfortable with. I then remembered that Rigby was a Roman Catholic. A quick search online helped me understand there were over 30,000 Christian denominations but only one Catholic Church: the original, universal and pre-denominational Church established by Jesus Christ Himself. I was amazed. Not only had I been directed towards Christianity, it had even been spelled out to me which of those thousands of churches was the best place for me to learn more about Jesus. Paulina handed me an English language Bible she had bought several years ago. I happily received it and did what I should have done right from the start: turn to the Word of God.
So there I was, sitting in the study room with the Bible on my desk in front of me. “Quite a book,” I thought: “Now where to begin?” Daunted by the thought of starting at the first page, I looked away from the Bible, picked it up and opened it at a random page. That page was the first page of the Gospel of Mark, which immediately in the first sentence revealed the identity of Jesus: the Son of God. So that’s where I started reading.
It took just a few pages for me to notice that I simply could not stop reading. It was because we had to take care of Naomi and Sienna, and obviously I had my work to do as well, that I had to put the Bible down for the largest part of the day, otherwise I think I would have read the Gospel of Mark in one go. I read it very slowly, not wanting to miss out on anything, and I just got sucked into it like no other book. It was an unusual and exciting experience. It was as if I were there, part of the different "scenes", listening to what the people were talking about and looking at their reactions to Jesus. So many people were amazed by what He said and by the miracles He performed. Some of the passages were familiar but not until now had any of them made such an impact on me. This time, it was as if something had been switched on inside of me that allowed the Gospel to touch me and enabled me to absorb everything I read. The best parts were those where Jesus talked. Just listening to what He said I loved the most. The way He talked really impressed me. He had compassion on those in need, He was apt and wise, had great composure and always knew exactly how to respond to the cunning inquiries of the Pharisees. He spoke with unfamiliar authority and looked right into people's hearts, He knew what those around Him were thinking and was keenly aware of what was going to happen in the future. I quickly developed a great fondness for Him.
When I was not reading the Gospel, I was thinking about the Gospel. Similar to how the "Here Comes The Sun" tune stuck with me, the Gospel also stuck with me like a shadow. I remembered a conversation I had at school many years ago. Someone had asked me who I would go and meet if I could step into a time machine and travel to the past or the future. If someone were to present me with such a machine today, I would hop in and travel back in time to meet Jesus. I felt excitement but that was not the main emotion the Gospel triggered in me. Underneath the excitement was a great feeling of peace that drove out the anxiety caused by our doubts regarding Naomi's recovery and the ongoing struggles we experienced caring for her. Each time I read the Gospel, I felt a calmness. I felt like how a small child feels in the presence of his parents: safe even in unfamiliar or scary situations and comforted when things become too much. I did not care that the events described in the Gospel took place 2,000 years ago in another country and in a society incomparable to our own. When immersed in the Gospel, it was as if I could sense Jesus' presence. That was what mattered to me. I know it sounds exaggerated but that is how I felt.
After some time it occurred to me that clairvoyance, Reiki, BodyTalk and all the other New Age modalities each managed to fill a void but at the same time left me feeling empty. They brought no peace. At times they even increased my anxiety. What I came to understand reading the Gospel was that God is not some impersonal source of energy nor anonymous higher being and certainly not a God who needs to be kept at bay or who you need to offer things up to in order to get or remain on His good side. No, nothing like that.
God had revealed Himself through Jesus, Who did not suddenly jump down from heaven one day, but instead was born of a woman, became a vulnerable little baby, grew up and experienced the same everyday things as we do growing up. This was no God who dwelled "way up there", out of reach and out of touch. In Jesus, God lived among us people so that we could get to know Him.
It showed me that God knows exactly what it is to be human. When Mark told about Jesus feeling great distress before being handed over to those who would crucify Him, I knew Jesus understands the anxiety and stress that we experience. It had become clear to me that God wanted to be with us, that He wanted to take care of us and look after us – if only we let Him. I believe it was this realisation that gave me peace despite the fact that we were still very much in the midst of a storm.
Although I had started to somewhat understand who Jesus was and what John Rigby actually believed in, I still had many questions. In fact, after reading Mark's gospel, I had even more questions. I believed in the Gospel and I believed that Jesus was real but I did not know what to do next. How could I reach out to Him? How to connect? Questions kept propping up all over the place and I was keen to find the answers.
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